Once again, courtesy of The Onion, here are your horoscopes!

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Your long uphill battle for self-improvement will founder once again when you find yourself thinking that some reality television shows are actually pretty good.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

The AMA can say whatever it wants about accidents, but you're still not convinced that a surgeon could leave so many scalpels, magazine subscription cards, and cigarette butts in your abdomen by mistake.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

If you pledge to Cancer at the $50 membership level, not only will you be supporting quality predictions in the future, but you'll also receive this handsome Cancer tote bag.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Your place is becoming the central gathering spot for everyone in the neighborhood to just hang out and do whatever, which would be nice if you actually knew any of these people.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

True happiness will continue to elude you in the days to—wait, there it is! There, behind the couch! Quickly, it's getting away!

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

The rise of Jupiter in your sign can only mean one thing! Let the stars know what it is once you look it up.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

You'd much rather have people fear you than love you, which may be a problem since you are an adorable 3-week-old tiger-striped kitten.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

The stars give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Although you really want the 16-ounce tenderloin with peppercorn sauce and a side of gorgonzola mashed potatoes, you'll ultimately settle for the spinach salad without dressing.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

You always hate it when shows end with a big musical number, so you'll probably be pretty disappointed with what happens to the universe on Wednesday.