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See you over there!

It's been an interesting month.

September's never been my favorite. Especially this year. From a broken car, to having to completely change my diet, it's felt like one thing after another.

It could be far worse. Far, far worse. I know that.

But I think it's okay to sit, mope, and play Gears of War every once in awhile.

I'll be back soon.

I'm not a morning person. Just ask my mother or my husband.

I don't think that people should have to get up before the sun does. And I prefer rainy mornings, not sunny ones, so you can imagine the fight I have with that one.

When we had Logan with us this summer, there wasn't much lazing about in the mornings. I had to get up early, get him up, feed him, get him ready, get myself ready, and then run out the door to drop him off at my sister's before I went to work.

The past few weeks since he's been gone, I've found myself lying in bed, wondering what to do with my extra hour in the morning. At first I'd get up, vacuum, do the dishes, throw some laundry in the washer, meditate, and then get ready. The last week or so, I've been rolling over, enjoying the comfort of our bed, and laying there until it was absolutely necessary for me to get up.

Sunday night, through a series of events, I found myself without a working cell phone.

We don't have a land line, so this was my only means of communication with the outside world. We worked late into the night on Sunday trying to get something to work for me.  Finally, I told Ty I was done, and wanted to go to bed.

"But you won't have a phone," he said. "Is that ok?"

I told him I'd made it without one for 2 weeks in Thailand, and if I could survive a foreign country without a phone, I could make it a day or two without it here.

I woke up Monday morning, and felt calm. It was quiet from a storm having rolled through the night before. I turned on some music that I usually meditate to, and started to get ready. I left the TV off, I left the computer off, and didn't once think about my phone.

I made it to work earlier than usual, and got ready for the work day.

It was the most peaceful day I've had since we came back from Thailand.

Of course, my phone is working once again, but I'm kind of sad that it is. I really enjoyed the quiet.

Ty and I had decided earlier to have one night a week where we turn off all power to the house, and just enjoy the quiet. I'm thinking it's time to do that with the phone, as well.

We've had so much going on, it's been easier to neglect this blog for the time being.

I find myself ready to start painting again. I've found sketchbooks I'd set aside and forgotten about, then sketches and ideas for photos I wanted to take.

I find myself moving slowly--not cautiously by any means, just softer. Trying to just exist in the moment. Listening to quieter music ("The Long Road" by Eddie Vedder {not the Pearl Jam & Neil Young version} pops up on my playlist quite frequently).

I've sat and thought a lot about priorities. Why some things matter more than others, what things I don't find myself needing anymore and am ready to give up.

One thing we've had to give up lately is wheat. We found out about a month ago that Ty is allergic to wheat, so the cupboards, fridge, pantry, and freezer were turned inside out, purged of anything that could make him sick. Luckily for my husband, I can cook. Also luckily for him, I have an obsession with cook books, and also went through a period in college where doctors believed I had celiac-sprue disease, so I'd been through the process before, and had a basic understanding of what we were up against.

He's handling it much better than I ever did.

We've been experimenting with different recipes, and have successfully made brownies, which is the most important thing besides bread. That will be the next adventure, after my shipment of flours comes in.

I've been going through our things these past weeks, trying to pack and prepare us to move into our new home.

A lot of thoughts have gone through my head as I sorted things, mostly about need and want.


I want a quiet house. I want a new mattress (the one we bought a year ago has a foot-wide/long hole in it that sinks to the bottom of the mattress. Thank goodness it's under warranty! I'll have a new one in 2 weeks). I want quiet neighbors. I want new jeans. I want more time to meditate. I want a peaceful soul. I want more books. I don't want to pack, I don't want to wait anymore.  I want to find a grenade launcher and completely murder that car outside my window. I want to go back to Thailand. I want a cup of tea right now... 

It's after these moments I have quiet thoughts of need.

"I'm sorry," he said. He was referring to the fact that we are in the middle of buying a home, and will be completely broke for the next few months, and unable to travel--abroad or otherwise--for awhile. 


"Don't be sorry!" I said. "Just because we can't go now doesn't mean that we'll never go back. We'll be back in a few years," I grinned. I was content with my memories. 


It doesn't matter that we awoke within us the longing to travel while we were there. It doesn't matter that we won't be able to again for awhile. We are content with remembering the little family-owned cafe off the main street in Hua Hin where we had the best onion rings I've ever had in my life. We're content with watching video we took of the absolutely insane and amazing maneuvers of the tuk-tuk drivers down the streets of Chinatown in Bangkok. We are content with remembering how it felt to lay on the beach underneath a warm sun, trying to catch hermit crabs on Coral Island. 


Today I read a post called "Contentment in Five Short Stories" by Chris Guillebeau of The Art of Non-Conformity. At the end of his post, he said:


"I know that contentment is more of an internal state of being rather than something that is 
derived through external circumstances. Yet, I am human and therefore influenced by my surroundings. 


Could I have this feeling anywhere? Yes. But I also don't mind going to Thailand or Toronto to find it."


I've had several people tell me since we've come back from our trip to "get over" wanting to go back, because we've seen it before. John Burroughs said, "To learn something new, take the path that you took yesterday." So we want to go back. 


We found contentment in Thailand, because we found contentment in ourselves. We had it before, but what we brought home was more focused, and helps us to find contentment eating a bowl of ice cream watching a Netflix movie, knowing that we won't be traveling again for awhile, but that's ok. We discovered ourselves again in Thailand, and are content with that.