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Gather Up

I had decided to spend this year in a search for beauty.

It's a difficult thing to find, some days. I feel such despair when I look around me, seeing all the things that I should be able to change, and can't.  Feeling such a rising within me, knowing there is something strong inside of me that could create change, but afraid to let that person out--I know most of me would want to force people and things to change, and that would deny others free agency, and wouldn't let the changes I want to see happen.

I see around me such a lack. I feel so full--of love, of hope, of knowing. I can't even describe it. We live in the worlds we create for ourselves, and it makes me feel so sad when talk to people and try to feel how they feel, and see that they don't feel that same fullness. The Earth is a place of abundance, a world of enough. I know it sounds ridiculous even typing it; you can't change the channel from one to another without seeing some starving child, war, or devestation. These are the things that break my heart and fill me with sorrow; I know they create the same emotion in other people. But I also believe in a loving Father who created this world knowing exactly what we would need, not only to survive, but to live.

" We are ourselves our own distress, 
We make ourselves our happiness." 
 The past week, I've been thinking about this a lot. I feel so grateful for my life. I feel grateful for the gift of sight--not just to see with my eyes, but to see just a little farther. So grateful to be able to feel so much.

Please don't read this thinking I'm filled with pride in myself; I have so much to work on, so much to do better. But I am so grateful to have today, and tomorrow, and the day after that to keep on going. Surviving. Living. Seeing the beauty in things. Gathering them all up inside of me and keeping them there, safe, and sometimes, being brave enough to share the beauty.

I'm doing my best to create a home for Tyson and myself, one that is a House of Belonging. I keep dreaming of the house we will build; I keep a sketchbook by my bed now so I can draw what I dreamt about. The best thing, though, is the feeling there. The feeling of peace, love, beauty, and belonging. I love feeling that now, and I just want to surround myself with it. It's already more than halfway through the year, and I feel like I haven't done as good of a job at finding beauty. But that's the best part about being human: you can always start over.

2 Responses so far.

  1. Too true... Thank you... I needed that today...

  2. Ann says:

    Yes, so true. :) We can ALWAYS start over. And it does take a huge amount of courage to let the beauty gathered up in us to flow over and to change the rest of the world. And it's painful. But I think that's part of why you're here. :)


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