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Your Horoscope

C'mon, you know you've missed them! :) Once again, courtesy of The Onion.

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there. 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

An elite squad of international assassins will target you in an effort to make sure that the secrets behind your famous chili stay secret.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You are in grave danger of losing whatever credibility you had as a psychiatrist, which is strange, as you've been in floor coverings for 17 years.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Your future is filled with polluted thoughts and impermissable actions against the Powerful Chinese State. The correct government authorities have already been contacted.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important. 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

A wise man once said, "树倒猢狲散." Such advice will feel especially apt this coming Saturday.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You lucky numbers for this week are: 348, 0.00026894, 5/6ths, and 12.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you're forced to hand them your wallet.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

The celestial river of stars, infinite in its sage counsel and inspiring insight, indicates that this is a good week for work in the workplace.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Remember: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man how to contact the esteemed Yu Wan Mei Corporation, known for its appetizing fish by-products and affordable prices of purchase, and you feed him for the rest of his life.

2 Responses so far.

  1. lol... I so needed that... I have been having monkey and money problems! Dead on! lol

  2. Ann says:

    LOLOLOLOL :) Oh no, I really hope mine doesn't come true...I really don't want to start caring about celebrities. :)


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