Your horoscopes, compliments once again of The Onion:
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
When played with skill and grace, the game of soccer is like poetry in motion. Which explains all the bored-stiff people just pretending to follow along.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll popularize a new dance craze this week, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted to a giant flame today.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the dang graveyard shift.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Due to adverse weather conditions and severe delays, your next stop this evening will no longer be "Party Town!"
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