My favorite horoscopes today:

Your Birthday Today
There's more to life than money and material possessions. Keep reminding yourself of this for the next 20 miserable years.

Aries March 21 - April 19
The stars predict devastating floods, crushing famines, and the rise of a blood-soaked moon in the night's sky. But enough about your mom.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
Clear and open communication is the key to a successful marriage. Signal to your wife that you love her using the semaphoric alphabet.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Lately it seems like you can't say anything without people getting hurt. Don't be alarmed: You're just a terrible hostage negotiator.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your cold and hardened exterior will finally crack this week, but not before the jackhammers, pneumatic drills and Freudian psychoanalysts are called in to help.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You can kick and scream and flail around all you want, but it's not going to change the fact that you never learned how to dance.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Avoid any and all mirrors, reflecting pools of water, and photographic cameras this week. Trust the stars on this one.