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Cardholding There-But-For-The-Grace-of-God-go-I Club member

Mr. Hercules and I have exciting changes coming in our life together! (No, I'm not pregnant) We have been living in this little one bedroom apartment, very snug and cozy. I've been really happy there (it was Ty's apartment, and we just moved my stuff in--basically filling up every free space left!), very comfy living on top of each other.

It makes it a little harder having a 5-year-old in the house... and one bedroom... and no "alone" time. A funny thing is, I weigh about 100 pounds more than this kid, but he stomps when he walks. I think he gets excited about the noise he can make... unfortunately, we live above another apartment, and the guy below us doesn't appreciate the stomping so much. And Logan thinks it's a game when we ask him to stop stomping, so he does it even louder, like he's long-jumping or playing hopscotch or something (lol). Last night, I noticed there wasn't as much stomping (you can't avoid it completely with this kid, I suppose), and when it started up again, I heard Ty in the bedroom say, "Logan! Remember to walk like a ninja."

I tried so hard not to laugh I snorted.

So. The stomping will soon no longer be a problem. We are currently moving into a bigger, bottom-level apartment! It's SO much bigger... the master bedroom (yes!! Separate rooms!) is the size of our living room! And the closet--oh, let me sing the praises of the huge closet!!--will actually fit all of my clothes!! YAY!!

And. I will have a regular sized, working stove and everything, kitchen again!! :)

(I'm just a little excited... can you tell?)

My brother and Ty are moving things as we speak, and I am sitting here at work, kind of glad to not have to move a bunch of stuff, but also wanting to be helping so we can get it done faster. (And so Ty doesn't find out exactly how many pairs of shoes I have...) **EDIT: I just got a call--he found out. Oops lol**

Once we are moved in and the apartment is "woma-fied" (as Mr. Hercules calls my womanizing our apartment), I will post pictures.

Becoming an Insta-Mom, even as a step-mom, has certainly been an adventure. I get up about an hour earlier than I used to, so I can get ready for work, get Logan up, and then drive him out to Ty's dad's house so his step-mom can babysit him while we're both at work. From the time we leave the house in the morning to the time I squeal into work, about 50 minutes have past. It's amazing how fast I can pick out an outfit now, and how unimportant eyeliner has become (I have started just throwing some makeup on before I open the office, or right after, if no one is there).

It's also been difficult adjusting from things being about me (and Ty, of course), to things revolving around Logan. On my time off, I don't stay home and read a book, play Oblivion. I watch this child run around the laundromat with socks on his hands singing at the top of his lungs and making friends. I cry after I put him in time out and make him scrub walls after throwing a HUGE fit in the middle of the store. I wake up four times a night when he sleep-walks, talks, and sits up in bed, staring at the wall. I move over from my perfectly comfy spot next to Ty when he comes and crawls in bed between us. I come running when he whines that his feet are growing and they hurt and they need to be "squeezed," so I get out the chamomile/lavendar massage oil I made and rub his feet while he watches Disney movies (bleh). I still feel very selfish, and find myself facing some of these moments with the inside of me quipping, "Aww, honey I'd love to, but I don't want to." And then I regain my senses and remind myself that I love this little boy, and put down whatever I'm doing and go find him.

I've learned to enjoy the drive in the morning, though. Logan's still half asleep when I drop him off up the canyon. I watch him in the rear-view mirror, laying there against the seatbelt, staring out the window at the storm clouds. It's been rainy almost every day for the past two weeks, and I've adored every minute of it. I'll have to tell you about why I love this canyon so much; why it means so much to me. I was thinking about that this morning while I drove.

This is the place I would always run away to when I needed to get away. I would come up here at lunch time--it's only 15 minutes from work--and take pictures at the park. There's also good camping. But far up the canyon was my escape. I would pull over at a bridge and hike for awhile. When I went through a very difficult break-up three years ago (wow, almost to the day!), I went to this spot and prayed like I never had prayed before then. I didn't understand why. Why not him? Why not now? Why did it have to hurt so bad? Why did I have to wait? I never got the answer I was looking for that day, not the one you go searching for, other than knowing that somehow, some day, it would be ok.

I'd also go hike up nearby at the petroglyphs. I'd hike for a bit, and then sit on the side of the drop-off, dangling my feet off of the rocks and watching this beautiful secluded world below me.

Joe and Libby know this spot.

I've taken other people there, guys that wanted to go hiking. It was nice, but never fit. They never could understand how I felt about this place, the fields below the petroglyphs, the canyon and river further up the road.

What I didn't know then: At the time that I was sobbing in the woods, asking God why, why, why, Ty had separated from his wife and was getting divorced. You can't see it, but behind where Joe and Libby are sitting, you can see Ty's father's house. I would sit up there and look at that house and the ones around it, thinking that these people were so lucky to live here, and didn't even know it. Ty was even living there for a little while.

And the park where I would go eat lunch, where I loved to take pictures? Ty maintained that park, put in the new swing set, fixed the picnic tables, etc.

And that place where I ran away to pray and cry and be broken hearted?

Cross over this bridge, go up the bike trail, and hike the deer trail for a minute or two, and you've found it.

Now you can understand why my heart is in this canyon.

Besides, how can you not love it when this is your view?

3 Responses so far.

  1. Oh wow. I love it I love it I love it! I love how the canyon totally connects you to Ty, and you didn't even know it! What a sweet experience! (And you're doing such a wonderful job with Logan! I love that you cry when you put him in time out. That means you're doing it right!) I love you like I love sad kittens.

  2. Ann says:

    Okay, SOBBING now. LOL. I went from laughing about ninja walking to crying. I love it. I love you!! Hooray for a new place!!!!! :)

  3. kannie says:

    I LOVE this post. It's so personal and honest... and wow, your "Insta-Mom" certification really worked! {:-) And thank you for sharing your special canyon with us - so peaceful and ... well, peaceful. Tender. Wonderful. Thank you again for an absolutely beautiful post... *hugs*


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