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Chuck Norris facts


A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks.
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a field goal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
 Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris Halloween costume he was wearing.
And this one’s for you, Ty:
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

3 Responses so far.

  1. Lol! Chuck Norris is such a good guy he must Mormon. Lol! That's what grandma used to say!

  2. LOL I forgot about that... nice, Grams :)

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