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If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.


Aries March 21 - April 19

Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."


Taurus April 20 - May 20

You'll be swarmed by a rare strain of Americanized killer bees who, unlike their Africanized cousins, just want to hang out and watch TV all day.


Gemini May 21 - June 21

The coming week will be influenced by forces outside your control, namely gravity, linear momentum, and high velocity friction.


Cancer June 22 - July 22

Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.

Leo July 23 - August 22

Your interest in temporal paradoxes ends almost before it begins this week, which considering the subject matter, is strangely fitting.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, making you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.

Libra September 23 - October 23

The old adage "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" will feel particularly appropriate this week when you grow increasingly envious of how much grayer your neighbor's cement driveway looks than yours.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

Your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean.


Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Despite the promise of a new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.

3 Responses so far.

  1. kannie says:

    LOL!!! Those are particularly hilarious today!!! :-)

  2. :D Glad to enlighten everyone! :)

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