Lately I've been aching to return my life to simplicity, something that I have been dodging for awhile, although the idea of it has seemed so lovely. With that, I've been taking silent stock of the things that I hold on to and make room for.

If you know me well, you know that there are four things that I have an extensive quantity of: books, clothes, shoes, and music. None of these I'm really very willing to part with; I actually told my mom once that I would give up my bed if I ran out of room for books, and sleep on either the floor or a pile of books. Luckily it hasn't come to that yet, but I'm still willing to do that.

I've been going through my clothes, seeing what still fits and what I can take to the local women's shelter. Every time I go through clothes, I stop at this one dress. This is my absolute favorite dress; it's the perfect colors, silky fabric, and just looking at it makes me happy.

I've never worn it. Anywhere. Ever. I keep wondering why I hang on to it if I never wear it, and it just sits in my closet.


So I passed the dress on. When I gave it to my friend this morning, she held it up and shouted, "Are you serious? This is gorgeous, why are you giving it away?!"

The smile on her face as she held it up to her and twirled a little bit made me realize, what good is beauty if no one sees it, if it's not shared?





There are 2 MUSTs on my list this year:

1) find beauty and share it
2) love

I can't sleep.

I know it's strange; I was such a devoted insomniac until Tyson came along, and then suddenly I started sleeping at night. Maybe it was the migraine earlier today, and the prescription to chase it off, and the nap to chase of the prescription.

One thing hasn't changed, and that is that I tend to amble in my writing when it's late; so either forgive me for my wanderings, or grab a cup of tea and join me.

I have several teas that I'm quite devoted to, although I get a bit giddy over any new ones that I come across. One of my favorites is a Yogi Tea called Breathe Deep. That's something I haven't been doing enough of. There's so much good that a deep breath does; I actually enjoy letting the air out more than breathing it in. The idea of ridding my body of impurities and toxins, and that I was able to fill my lungs that full makes me feel blessed. I've been thinking about my breathing lately, especially after Friday. I have a chronic inflamation in the muscle tissue surrounding my heart, and as an oversensible person, anything that would normally feel uncomfortable to someone else causes me a great deal of pain. We didn't know for years that this was the problem causing me such pain and distress. I'm panic-prone anyway, and have problems with anxiety (but almost 4 years without a panic attack!), so when you feel a sudden stabbing surrounding your heart, and everything seizes and you can't breathe anyway, it's quite easy to panic. An "attack"(as I really have no other word for them) begins when my heartbeat begins to race, pounding against my ribcage and muscle tissue. This creates a sensation that ranges anything from an uncomfortable pain to a stabbing pain that makes it very difficult to breathe.

I've had so many of these attacks over the past five years that my family, boyfriend, and most friends are used to it. Friday night Ty and I were watching a movie, when I could feel the tell-tale signs of an "attack" begin in my chest. Two of the only ways to keep a mild attack from becoming a trip to the emergency room I've found are 1) keep me calm (not an easy task) and 2) heat. Well, it wasn't a scary movie, and I was feeling pretty calm, so heat was needed. I had left my hot pack at my apartment, so Tyson let me use his bathtub. I got in as fast as I could and folded myself into the bottom of the tub, hugging my legs to my chest so that I could get as close to the flow of water as possible.

As I sat in the tub, Tyson talking through the doorway every once in a while to see if I was ok (and breathing lol), I watched as the steam rose from my body and the water gathering around me (I take my baths hot enough to boil frogs, if not myself). I closed my eyes and could hear my dad's voice in my head. He's always very calm during situations like this, and right then I wanted my dad. I wanted him to tell me that everything was ok, that I was breathing fine, and that the pain would pass soon. Crying doesn't help the pain, and certainly doesn't make the breathing any easier, so I closed my eyes and willed myself not to cry or panic.

On the inside, I knew that everything would be ok. Ty was right outside the door if I needed him, and could either help me or get me help should it become serious. And I had done everything quick enough that I had prevented too much pain; the heat was relaxing me as much as it could, and the ibuprofin I had scarfed would kick in soon and help with the inflammation. It was time to start focusing on my breathing.

A word on that. I am just beginning to learn the bliss of deep breathing. To completely relax honestly scares me, and I rarely allow myself to do so. Even when I'm doing yoga, I enjoy the thrill of it, the light I feel entering my body with each new breath, but then I catch myself relaxing and jolt out of it. It's something I'm working on. I remember Mom telling me that I needed 40 good deep breaths a day. I used to try so hard to get that far, but I must admit lately I've forgotten about it all together.

Back in the tub, watching the steam, I closed my eyes and felt my heart beat. I willed it to slow down, as much as one can will those things. I tried massaging my chest, telling myself it would pass soon and I would feel just like new. But when I finally closed my mouth, leaned in to the steam and took a deep, deep breath, I finally felt calm enter my body.

Eventually, the attack passed, and, feeling better, I went home and went to sleep. Since then, breathing that hot, humid air has been on my mind. I love the thick feeling of it, how I can almost feel it coat my lungs. How safe I feel in the water, the steam surrounding me. I understand that it was the deep breathing that did the most good, and the rest was just icing, but it makes me wonder why I save those deep breaths for when trouble hits, for when I'm afraid. Why can't I allow myself the joy of full lungs, of the light that spreads through my body when I give it air, and how wonderful it feels to push it all out, cleaning my body of poisons. Why do I have to wait until my day makes me so weary I turn to a tea bag to remind me what will help? Shouldn't I be enjoying the pleasure of it every day, 40, 50, 60 times a day? Feeling thrilled and grateful that I can breathe in so deeply? Shouldn't each breath be a gratitude?

This leads to my resolutions. I only have a couple this year. The first is to live as authentically as I can--to do what makes me happy, what makes me feel like my whole self, what completes me. The second is to breathe deeply every day. The third is to be more grateful, and the fourth is to look for beauty everyday, and find ways to share it.

I'll start tonight--I breathe in deeply, grateful for swimmer's lungs. And I revel in the last sip of white hot chocolate, the nutmeg and cinnamon I sprinkled on top now skipping across my tongue. I breathe deep and know that by choosing authentic, breath-filled paths, I'll find more instances that take my breath away.

Mr. Hercules -

Happy anniversary :) I am so grateful for you, Tyson! I don't know how I made it this long without you. You are the kindest, most thoughtful and caring man, and such a good father! I know I'm better because I know you, and I love you more than anything! :)

Love,
Chani

So this day did not start out, shall we say, awesome. I was late to work, my back is still giving me fits from being jinked, so I had trouble scraping windows while trying to quickly defrost the rest, Mr. Hercules took his son back to Arizona, and on and on the drama went. I sat down at my desk, logged on for the day, got the office ready, and checked my email. Lo and behold, there was good news waiting for me! And not just good news, but great news!




Liz over at Lovely Little Lovelies, a blog I just adore, told me I had won the stocking she had up for grabs! Yay!! :) Thanks, Liz!!!

This is the stocking I won:



What's awesome is that it's just what I wanted, I never win anything, and the news couldn't have come on a better day! :)

Ok, I won't tease Ann anymore.. Here's the rough finish. I need to add some more details, but it's still kinda cute :) It's of my 4 nieces.

So Ann liked my little doodle so much, I've been working on a special doodle to send her.

Here's a couple clips before the big reveal! (sorry, the pics are a little blurry)

Stay tuned! :)

Logan,

Guess what? I love you! Guess what? I miss you!
Have fun with Daddy on the drive back--make sure you bug him and keep him awake! I am so glad I got to know you! I love you and loved seeing you every day. I'll miss you! Don't forget me!

Love,
Chani

Thought for the day from my Zen calendar:

I'm writing a book.

I've had writer's block for months.

My main character is sitting in the same spot I left her at 4 months ago. I'm in a Writer's Guild, and I feel bad about going, because I haven't had anything to bring in quite some time.

I've been staring at the blank page, knowing what's going to happen after the point I'm stuck at, but having no clue how to move from point A to point B. An old professor of mine (I shouldn't write it that way--she's far from old; just a previous professor of mine) gave me a book last week that gives you ideas for books. It's really fun, and I've had a kick out of reading it (and it's actually given me ideas for the future), but I'm still stuck. Bleh.

So instead of freewriting or anything productive, I'll post fun pictures of my week with Mr. Hercules and Son instead. We made a gingerbread house, watched some Star Trek (Mr. H is making me--Ann, I'm sure you're proud lol. It actually isn't too bad!), hung out at my parents' house, and played games together.

The owl is one of my Christmas presents from Ty & Logan. We're doing Christmas early, since Logan goes back to his mom's on Friday. It's the cutest owl--it plugs into your USB port and blinks its eyes and turns its head :) You can see a video of it here.

Mr. H & Son watching Star Trek


Playing Ty's WOW board game.. Yeah. I lost. But it's kinda fun! :)

The rest are a big jumble of gingerbread decorating/wrestling/having fun/Logan pretending to be Batman photos. They aren't really in any order, so make up the story on your own as you go along. :)

Obviously a great time was had by all! :)

I don't talk a lot about religion, especially in my blog. I don't really have a good reason; I'm very religious and I have a very strong testimony.  In many aspects of my life, I feel fearless. But not this one. I know what I believe, I trust what I believe, and that's good enough for me. But this has been on my mind for a few days now, and I feel like I should share, so bear with me.

There's been something I've been struggling with, and it has been eating away at me to such a degree that my ulcers are giving me trouble again, and I feel like the solid ground I've been standing on is washing out from under me like sand with the tide. I consider myself to be very open-minded and I try my very best to love unconditionally, even if it isn't returned. But I have finally met my match, and we haven't even met. I have tried and tried to accept this person and, while I know I will never love them, at least tolerate the presence they will hold, and already hold, in my life. It hasn't worked so far. Every time I think of this person, every time I hear their name, my stomach twists into a knot even Maniac Magee couldn't untangle. I start to sweat, I feel nauseous, and whatever happiness I was feeling leaves me so quickly that I start to shake.

I should make it clear that the purpose this person is in my life is twofold: one, by my own inevitable choosing, and two, to torment and try me, I'm sure (kind of like flying bugs...). I have been praying for the strength to accept this person, to not lose it every time they call, but I have been 100% unsuccessful. I started to read my Book of Mormon over, and every night for the past week I would open my book and it would fall to the same page. I'd read a verse I had marked there, thought it was nice, and then find the page I left off the night before. As is usually the case with me, God had to throw a brick at my head before I suddenly realized the answer I needed I had read every night and then put away. 

The story that I read the verse from is one of my favorites, about a man named Moroni. He was captain over an army of righteous people, the Nephites, and led them in battle against the Lamanites, a group of people who were hell-bent on destroying and enslaving them. Moroni inspired those he led by telling him that they were fighting for their lives, their freedom, their wives and children, their land, and their religion. After a battle between the two warring nations, with the Nephites as the victors, Moroni commands the Lamanites to throw down their weapons and make an oath that they will not fight them anymore; if they would, he would let them leave. If not, they would continue the battle. 

The part that I read every night before turning to something else was is Alma 44:3.  

"But now, ye behold that the Lord is with us; and ye behold that he has delivered you into our hands. And now I would that ye should understand that this is done unto us because of our religion and our faith in Christ..."

This is all fine and well, but it was this last sentence that struck me:

And now ye see that ye cannot destroy this our faith.

I can't believe it took me a week to understand. I may very well have to deal with this person for the rest of my existence, but up until now, I've let them fluster me and doubt my faith in things I already know, let alone what I have faith in. This realization has done a couple of things for me. First, it's made me mad. Mad that I let them have this much control over my emotions ("We make ourselves our own distress/we are ourselves our happiness," remember). But also, every time that this person has come to mind or up in conversation, I quietly but very firmly and resolutely state that last line to myself in my head:  

And now ye see, [pronoun], that ye cannot distroy this [my] faith.





(And then I pretend to kick them in the head. It makes me feel better. Hey, I'm not perfect!...)

The kind looking old man who always walks his dog the same time every day, always in the same spot on the sidewalk when I return to work from lunch.

Warm fuzzy socks that make me feel like I'm eight-years-old.

A "Hi baby!" (always "baby," never sweetheart, hun, or any other endearment when we meet up), a kiss, and a hug (always in that order) from Mr. Hercules when I come over.


Whenever I ask my dad for a good book, he'll always give me a Louis L'amour or a Clive Cussler.


Still getting excited whenever I hear the theme to Star Wars when the DVD starts. (You probably can't tell, but Mr. Hercules' tree is Star Wars-themed. :) He's such a stud)


Red lipstick.

Deep conditioning my hair.

That a bad day can always be made better with red shoes.

How great it feels to be taken care of when I'm feeling icky (See the red nose? *coughcough* That would be when I got sick on my vacation. Who gets sick on vacation?! Well, besides Mr. H and myself...)



Vaseline Intensive Rescue Moisture Locking Lotion and warm fuzzy socks at bedtime

Hearing my favorite twirling song, "Chicago" by David Berkeley (yes, I'm listening to it right now...).

The luscious color of Tazo Passion tea.

Cute Post-It Notes and office supplies.

A blank sketchpad, and a box of chalk and charcoal.

So this hasn't been the best day at work today. It's been stressful, and we have reports up the Wazoo. I have a headache, and people are getting on my nerves. I'm literally counting down the minutes until I can go home (16). I have a work Christmas party, and I am not excited about going (so I'm dragging Ty along with me to share in the fun! He's excited, I know it...)

So in the midst of my grumbling migraine/stress/crazy coworker induced afternoon, a song came on my playlist that hasn't played in awhile. It's "I'm Alive" by Triple (otherwise known as Jeremy Kay). You'll recognize some of the lyrics from my banner.

Now that I've heard it again, I feel a little better, a little calmer. (13 minutes to go) You can listen to a clip of it here.

Your Birthday Today

The stars indicate that you should live every day as though it were your last. Especially this coming Thursday.

Aries March 21 - April 19

The stars indicate that you've really done it this time. I mean, just look around, for Pete's sake. How did this even happen?

Taurus April 20 - May 20

The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

It's never easy to hear that you're going blind, especially since it also means that you're going deaf.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

An unexpected turn in your life's road leaves you with the responsibility of caring for several small children. Teach them to play the educational party game "Does It Burn?"

I'm a Gemini, not a Leo, but this next horoscope made me laugh particularly hard today, because my Regional VP is coming to the office today--and yes, his name is Dave.

Leo July 23 - August 22

Much to your dismay, that jerk Dave will continue strutting around the office like he owns the place.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

This week join your favorite astrological sign for all the classic predictions you've come to love in Virgo: A Star Is Born.

Libra September 23 - October 23

Remember: You can't always just throw money at your problems. Sometimes you need to slowly hand money over to your problems.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

They say that you're going blind, that your vision is rapidly deteriorating, but don't worry: They are just a coat rack and hat.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

An attempt to get your life in order will fail this week, thanks to a series of space/time paradoxes.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Don't let other people influence your future. That's what a vague and arbitrary set of cosmic indicators is for.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Mercury descendant in the Ram this week means Aquarius will soon get the blues. Be sure to get them from your head to the bottoms of your traveling shoes.

And if you've ever seen the first episode of Psych, you'll find this one particularly funny!

Pisces February 19 - March 20

When given a choice between tuna salad or egg salad this week, go with the egg salad. Just trust the stars on this one.

I always seem to struggle with my moods when it gets to be this time of year, especially if it's just cold and brown, no snow to be found. Or if it's snowed and is sunny. Ugh. I hate that! Grey, gloomy days are my absolute favorite.

Today has been perfect. It started off gloomy and began to get soggy. It's snowed off and on, but hasn't stuck. This hasn't bothered me, because the grey gloom has stuck around. On days like this, or days when I'm struggling with feeling friendly, my favorite thing to do is to read through the list of blogs that I follow that revolve around cozy things, drink some tea, and listen to Priscilla Ahn, Peter Bradley Adams, Eastmountainsouth, Maria Digbie, and others.

Some of my favorite blogs to read, other than those who read my blog, are these:

Fairy Cake Heaven
little bird eats
Posie Gets Cosy
Cakies
Sugar City Journal
Ankel and Burblets
The Peaceable Walk
The Purl Bee
Warm Heart, Cozy Home

Maybe these will bring you a little joy and comfort, too. :)

My back hurt me so badly last night, when I went to Mom & Dad's for Sunday dinner, Mom had my try this electronic pulse-thingy; it helped, but after I got back to my apartment and was getting ready for bed, I started coughing again, and crying because I hurt so badly. So into the tub I went, gabbing with my roommate through the shower curtain as she got ready for bed. I soaked away, enjoying the hot, hot, HOT water (how anyone can soak in anything that is barely-less-than-boiling is beyond me!), and texted (is that a word?) Ty for a bit before getting out and going to bed. I'd started to get a migraine earlier, and hadn't been the most jovial or nice (or sane... sorry!) person, and what with the coughing and all, decided to take some Robitussin Nighttime and my migraine pill.

It was a lovely, deep sleep until about 4:30, but after adjusting the covers and clothing, I once again buried myself in my harem of pillows and went to sleep.

I woke up to hear the shower running. This is odd, because my roommate usually gets up so much later than me. I looked over at the clock and was just about sick--7:19 a.m. I have the pleasure of arriving at work at 7:30 a.m. to open up the office. And I live 6 minutes away from work. I jumped out of bed, grabbed the first clothes I found, brushed my teeth, grabbed my makeup case, and ran out the door.

Somehow I managed to make it by 7:35. I think next time I'll just take the cough syrup and if I haven't slept off the migraine, I'll try something in the morning!

I kifed this from the lovely Suse's blog, Pea Soup! I tag anyone who reads :)


Seven things I plan to do before I die:
Visit Tuscany
Bake a souffle
Become a published author
Visit all 50 states
Love every inch of myself
Successfully knit something besides a rug...
Grow my own garden

Seven things I can do:
Twist my legs around backwards
Type 130 wpm
Wrap my legs around my neck
Create a lovely mess in charcoal and chalk
Daydream
Play Dishwalla and Straylight Run songs on the piano
Recite Pablo Neruda poetry

Seven things I cannot do:
Bake frozen pizza
Eat M&Ms without separating them out evenly into matching colors, and then biting them in half
Yodel
Watch reality TV
Handstands
Eat squash
See a zombie on a video game without throwing the control up in the air (sorry Tyson!)

Seven things I find attractive in others:
Kind eyes
Laughter
A love of music
A warm heart
Honesty
Respectful
A nice smile

Seven things I say most often:
I know, right?
Indeed
Dude
You're such a freakin' ninja!
Yes, Logan!
Wow.
I dunno, whatever you want to watch, babe.

Seven celebrity crushes:
Orlando Bloom (sorry Ty!)
Paul Newman
Mel Gibson
Jared Leto
Rob Thomas
Russell Crowe
Mark Whalberg

Thanksgiving was so great! Ann, Matt & Co. came down from Denver to spend the weekend, Joe came home from school, Chris & Tory came over, and Ty and Logan came too!

Logan is quite the helper--every time Mom was in the kitchen, he wanted to help "Grandma" cook. Here he is "helping" her with the homemade rolls (the best on the planet, and don't try to argue with me!)


In between helping, Logan was entertained by John...



..and Daddy...


(you can't really see that Logan is jumping on Ty's back, except for the dangling foot in the background lol)...


...and got to drive "Grandpa's" old 1920 Fordson tractor!



(Hands got a little dirty...)


He also had a really great time playing with his new friends, Ann's little munchkins! They had such a great time!


Things that made me happy today:

New Christmas socks from Debbie...



My squishy calculator and a little Ani Difranco on the Zune :)

I had a rough night last night--not too much sleep and a dream that made me wake up feeling ornery. Never a good way to start your day, especially when you wake up at 7:13 and need to be at your desk at 7:30! It's a good thing I'm kind of low-maintenance and can get ready fast (and I live 6 minutes from work, literally, so that helps!). Unfortunately, in my eagerness to get out of bed, I forgot that my ribs aren't my friends right now, and as soon as I sat up I lost my breath from the pain.

It's hard to do pretty much anything when you're in that much pain. Washing my hair is a nightmare, forget about tying shoes or wearing boots--it's step-in ballet slipper-esque shoes all the way for me for awhile! And Logan wants me to play, wants me to hold him, wants me to pick him up, wants me to crawl on the floor with cars, wants me to play Xbox... you get the idea. It breaks my heart to tell him I can't right now. He seems to be a somewhat content to lay across my lap when we watch a movie, so that's something.

While I was driving, I thought that I should try to think of some positive things about having busted-up ribs. So here's my list, be it ever-so Chani...

1. I have better posture from the rib-wrapping!
2. Even more bath time! :)
3. I get to watch a lot of movies with Ty and Logan
4. Ty feels bad for me, so I can make him watch LOST with me... Muhahahahaha!
5. I feel entitled to eat ice cream whenever I feel like it, because come on, what doesn't ice cream fix?
6. More crochet time! Because I really can't to much else
7. More reading time! ...because I really can't do much else
8. I'm using my active imagination to pretend I'm wearing a corset... LOL haven't worn one since that short wedding dress modeling stint. Kinda fun! I recommend it! ;)
9. It's a better excuse than saying "I would, but I don't want to..."
10. Snack-Pack pudding. It's God's little way of saying "Everything is going to be ok!"

Ok, so that last one may not fit... but I couldn't think of a tenth thing! Suggestions or substitutions are welcome! :)

I've realized the past few days that I haven't been as optimistic and happy as I usually am. I tend to get this way when the weather changes from fall to freezing (and not a bit of snow to be seen!). I either a cracked or bruised rib from coughing last week, and doing almost anything hurts. Ty wrapped my ribs for me last night; I haven't been able to get the gauze to lay straight or get it tight enough. So he wrapped me up tight and I went home to bed. It hurt so bad, lying there in the dark. My roommate had woken me up at 5:30 in the morning when she came in that morning, so I was tired, cold, sore and feeling lonely.

I laid there feeling sorry for myself for a minute before I grabbed my iPod and decided I may as well listen to some music to make the night a little shorter. Few people know this, but my favorite musician is Peter Bradley Adams, and his new CD came up in the shuffle. I've listened to this CD several times since I'd bought it a few weeks ago, but the song that was playing I'd never heard. It's called "Keep Us"--it was the perfect lullaby to make me feel better, and to stop feeling sorry for myself. A quote from Letitia Elizabeth Landon's "The Troubadour" came to mind while I stared into the darkness:

'Tis strange how the heart can create
Or colour from itself its fate;
We make ourselves our own distress,
We are ourselves our happiness

I've repeated that quote to myself a million times, but for some reason last night it hit me stronger than ever before. I've been blaming everything and everyone else for my own unhappiness, when really I've just created it by my own ungratefulness and unhappiness. So before the new year even starts, I've resolved to do better, to feel better, and to be better.

I've decided to do either a drawing, painting, or a photo that matches how I feel about the Peter Bradley Adams song.

Aries March 21 - April 19

The stars foresee a change in careers this week. Pretty soon, they'll be making a bunch of money in advertising, instead of wasting their precious time predicting your future.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

You will realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Turns out you have no discernible talent for gardening, and that your green thumb is just a ghastly bacterial infection.

Leo July 23 - August 22

The shoe will be on the other foot this week, leading to severe discomfort, unflagging embarrassment, and a sudden spill down the living room stairs.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Soon darkness will surround you, and a deep chill will run down your spine, which makes sense, as you've forgotten to pay both your heating and electricity bills.

Libra September 23 - October 23

Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Like a beautiful rose left to wilt in the desert heat, so, too, will you become a strained and forced metaphor this week.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.