Aries March 21 - April 19

The stars foresee a change in careers this week. Pretty soon, they'll be making a bunch of money in advertising, instead of wasting their precious time predicting your future.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

You will realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Turns out you have no discernible talent for gardening, and that your green thumb is just a ghastly bacterial infection.

Leo July 23 - August 22

The shoe will be on the other foot this week, leading to severe discomfort, unflagging embarrassment, and a sudden spill down the living room stairs.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Soon darkness will surround you, and a deep chill will run down your spine, which makes sense, as you've forgotten to pay both your heating and electricity bills.

Libra September 23 - October 23

Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Like a beautiful rose left to wilt in the desert heat, so, too, will you become a strained and forced metaphor this week.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.