Your Birthday Today

The stars indicate that you should live every day as though it were your last. Especially this coming Thursday.

Aries March 21 - April 19

The stars indicate that you've really done it this time. I mean, just look around, for Pete's sake. How did this even happen?

Taurus April 20 - May 20

The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

It's never easy to hear that you're going blind, especially since it also means that you're going deaf.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

An unexpected turn in your life's road leaves you with the responsibility of caring for several small children. Teach them to play the educational party game "Does It Burn?"

I'm a Gemini, not a Leo, but this next horoscope made me laugh particularly hard today, because my Regional VP is coming to the office today--and yes, his name is Dave.

Leo July 23 - August 22

Much to your dismay, that jerk Dave will continue strutting around the office like he owns the place.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

This week join your favorite astrological sign for all the classic predictions you've come to love in Virgo: A Star Is Born.

Libra September 23 - October 23

Remember: You can't always just throw money at your problems. Sometimes you need to slowly hand money over to your problems.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

They say that you're going blind, that your vision is rapidly deteriorating, but don't worry: They are just a coat rack and hat.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

An attempt to get your life in order will fail this week, thanks to a series of space/time paradoxes.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Don't let other people influence your future. That's what a vague and arbitrary set of cosmic indicators is for.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Mercury descendant in the Ram this week means Aquarius will soon get the blues. Be sure to get them from your head to the bottoms of your traveling shoes.

And if you've ever seen the first episode of Psych, you'll find this one particularly funny!

Pisces February 19 - March 20

When given a choice between tuna salad or egg salad this week, go with the egg salad. Just trust the stars on this one.